Posts tagged "what ifs"

How to Start Over?

We all have major changes in our lives when we need to start over. It could be losing a job, losing a relationship, moving, or as simple as starting a new year, a week. Each day can be a start over, too, if we choose.

Starting over is not easy for some of us. We do not even know how to do it. We feel lost. We keep falling into traps that keeps us in the known, familiar, comfort (even when we hate it). So, what does it take to get out of these traps? How to go forward and create life we wish?

First, let’s identify the traps. They usually are:

1) Looking back

2) What ifs

3) Victimhood

4) Attachment

5) Fear and resistance to change

These traps are usually intertwined, and it is not easy to get out. One leads to another, and we feel trapped like in a spider web, feeling paralyzed with fear. So, how to untangle ourselves? How to use these traps to our advantage?

First, we often can’t help but look back. Oh, memories… “Those were good old days,” or “He or she is such a jerk.” Positive or negative, our necks probably hurt from keep turning back. This is the past, and we got to make a peace with it. “The Past is Powerless” like Eckhart Tolle said in his book The Power of Now. It does not affect us at this moment. Only we affect ourselves by our own thoughts that we choose to have. Nothing is wrong with remembering. It only becomes hurtful if we choose to “relive” the bad. Why torture ourselves? When memory comes, we just got to observe it and let it go and think to ourselves, “This thought does not do any good for me.” We can choose to have any thoughts and memories if we stay in the now. Like in Landmark Education, I learned a phrase, “How can you drive forward, if you are looking back in rear-view mirror at all the times?”

Looking back also entails “what ifs.” What if we should have done that differently? What if I’ll stay single forever? What if I’m too old to date? What if I’m not going to find another job? What ifs never end if we let it. What ifs are only what ifs. It is mambo jumbo of our over-analyzing mind and most of it is just a waste of time thinking and it is fear-driven. If something is doable, let’s do it. Other than that, let’s concentrate on our Now and future right at this minute.

Once we end a bad relationship or quit a bad job, we can’t help but feel victim. So and so treated us badly, and we keep reliving our past. Once again, we look back with resentment, regrets, anger, sadness, etc. We are responsible for our own thoughts, so why we want to suffer again? Plus, we did not realize back then that we are strong. We felt as a victim instead. That’s why people mistreated us. If we would not allow ourselves to be a victim and be strong, we would not fall in this situation in the first place. We live and learn. So, let’s be strong, stand up for ourselves and never be or feel victim again.

The next trap is attachment. We love familiar. Some of us hate or afraid of change so much, we are willing to stay in any situation, even when it is detrimental to us. That’s why we keep coming back to the same situations over and over again. It is our state of mind that keep us trapped. We cling to familiar and to known. We hate our jobs, but we stay there because of our steady paycheck, benefits, everything is familiar. We stay in bad relationship, hoping things will change for the better, but it never does. It is familiar, and we do not know how to get out. We attach ourselves to jobs, people, familiarity. Change is always good. Let’s re-program our minds and go for what we want. If something is not working , we got to let it go and look for alternative. We are worth all the best. Therefore, we should not settle for anything less. If we overcome fear of change, and challenge ourselves in unfamiliar territories, we will learn so much new. We will get unstuck from our past, and starting over will feel like a new adventure, a new life we are worth living.

Now let’s imagine our new life. We have an empty canvas, or a sheet of paper. What colors we will choose? What words we will write? What pictures we will create? It is all up to us.

How to make a peace with your past?

How many times do we make trips to our past? Ah, memories. Some of them are sweet, bring a smile to our faces, warm our hearts. “Those were the good old days, ” we sight. However, for some of us the past was not that sweet. We cringe even thinking about it. It haunts us like a bad nightmare. We carry it with us like the heaviest baggage; or we bury those memories in the back of our minds. We lock them and we loose the key. Our minds shut it off and we forget, until something triggers, and we find ourselves in pain again.

What to do with this haunting hurtful past? How to make it all to go away? How to start a new?

To go on, we need to make a peace with our past. It is not easy. It might take a moment, months or even years. We got to be ready for it. It is something we can not push it. It depends what eats away at us, and severity of it. Possibilities could be:

1) regrets;

2) sorrow;

3) people

Regrets usually come equipped with “what ifs.” What if I would have done it differently? Each of us have different experiences in our lives. If we chose to be one way, that means we were not experienced enough to make different choices back then. We all make mistakes. That’s what is learning all about: it gives us lessons and new experiences. Now we know better from it. We cannot change our past, only now and the future. Because of those mistakes, now we can make better choices which we should be grateful for. There is no use to have regrets about our past decisions, when we can make a better ones now.

We lose someone we love, or someone leaves us. In our lives, people and pets come and go. Instead of concentrating of losing them, we should be grateful that they were a big part that touched our lives. We should feel fortunate to know them and love them. Each person and animal leave a footprint in our hearts, and we are better because of them.

Then, we meet people who hurt us, betray us, even in some cases abuse us. These memories could linger for the longest time if we let them. It keeps hurting us when we look back as if it is still happening now. That’s where a beautiful thing comes in – being in control of our minds. We can stop our memories at any time. Bad thoughts and remembering do not serve us. It only gives us a headache. Anger does not serve us either; it only hurts us. Each person we meet bring something to us: lessons needed to be learned, a cause of being a stronger person, new experiences. We might not seen it then, but after time, we can find the reasons why we encountered these people, no matter what painful experiences we had. The key to these negative situations is to never feel like a victim. Going back and remembering is like putting ourselves in “victim” mode over and over again. Now there will be a time where remembering will not affect us that anymore – then the true healing begins.

We all have our minds. Therefore, we can choose to have thoughts. If we choose to be angry, depressed, resentful, we only hurt ourselves with our thoughts, and we may even reflect that on our loved ones and not be aware of it. Now if we choose to make a peace with our past, knowing that past stays in the past, and we only can change now and future, we open ourselves to new possibilities and experiences. We know that we do not need to make the same mistakes again and let anybody treat us badly. We can start a new without heavy baggage of our past.

Silence

Silence… It seems so easy, yet for some of us it is almost unattainable. We are used to so much noise. When all of a sudden, power goes down, we realize how quiet actually feels, if only for one moment. There is so much man-made noise: refrigerator, faucet, washing machine, etc., etc. It is in our mind’s background, humming or dripping, but we’re so used to it, we do not even hear it. It is also usually overpowered by blaring TV or music. Some of us even fall asleep by TV. This way, we can block all the noise that is in our heads: recaps of the day, worries, what ifs, arguments. Even if we would shut off all the appliances, we still would hear the endless chatter of our minds.

What if we would shut all that noise down? Would that be possible? How that would feel?

The best way to do this is to go out into nature: could be a park, by the lake, pond, the beach – anywhere away from the busy city life. Leave all technology at home or in the car. Once there, enjoy the moment:

1) Take the shoes off (just watch out for fire ants, if you’re in the south ) and feel every blade of grass or grain of sand under your feet.

2) If worrying thought crosses your mind – observe it and let it go for now – this moment is yours – free.

3) Feel the sun or breeze on your skin or in your hair.

4) Breathe.

5) Close your eyes for a moment. Then, open them and see every detail around you.

6) Try to pick up sense of smell – perhaps the blooming tree or flower nearby.

7) Listen – listen to the silence. Listen all around you.

Feel the moment with all your senses. Walk where your feelings tell you. Walk and listen.

You just got re-connected with nature. You got re-connected with essence of you. Your head is all clear of junk and noise. Silence… – Oh, so precious.

You feel totally refreshed and re-energized. Your head is clear. Once your mind is uncluttered, perhaps you can find a solution, an answer, get a brilliant idea. Most importantly, you feel totally alive and ready for anything.

Silence is brilliant. It is like an empty canvas ready to be filled with the brightest of colors. In silence, we can find wisdom…

And now some Lorem Ipsum to fill the content

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Posts tagged "what ifs"

How to Start Over?

How to make a peace with your past?

Silence