Posts tagged "self-esteem"

Confinement

All our lives somebody tries to confine us. “You cannot do this, you cannot do that,” “You are not good enough,” “You are not smart enough,” “You are not pretty enough.” Others try to mold us according to their own expectations and beliefs.

How do we react to that? Do we start to believe in it? Do we give in into the confinement? Do we try to fit into other people’s mold? Do we lose sense of who we really are by pleasing others? Do we lose our self-esteem in the process?

Or, do we become trouble-makers and stand our ground, and not let others to put us down and tell us what we can and cannot do? Do we keep a strong sense of who we are and do not let others to put handcuffs on us? We do as we please. We do not care what others think. If there is no way, do we find the way?

People who misbehave, stand for their beliefs and refuse to be confined most of the time are the winners. They not only stand their ground, but they make a big difference in other lives. Great examples are:

Rosa Parks in 1955 refused illegally to give her seat to a white person. It sparked a civil rights movement.

Gandhi, despite strong opposition, gained autonomy for India from Great Britain without violence.

Although it sounded ridiculous at the time, Walt Disney built the “happiest place on earth” in the middle of orange groves.

Ed Roberts, paralyzed from the neck down, instead of concentrating on his own pain, improved quality of life for the disabled, graduated from the University of California, Berkeley and became director of the California State Department of Rehabilitation.

So, should we give in to other people’s confinement or should we be trouble-makers and stand our ground and make a difference not only in our lives, but in lives of others?

(Examples are taken from Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins)

How to Overcome Your Fears?

What are you afraid of? What do you want to conquer? Who or what do you want to be, but your fears keep you hostage?

There are so many phobias out there. Some of them are reasonable, and some of them are not. Some fears are for your own protection; it’s your instinct for survival. It’s great to have these fears. If it comes from instinct or hunch, these fears should never be ignored. It’s your inner knowing that something is not right. You should act on your instinct. Reaction to them usually is to fight or flee. Do what your inner knowing tells you to do. It’s great when that kind of fear keeps you on your toes.

Then, there are fears that are unreasonable. You don’t know why, but you afraid of something. These fears keep you from functioning normally in every day life, keeps you away from achieving something, keeps you dead in the tracks. Examples include fear of public speaking, fear of heights, fear of swimming, fear to succeed, fear of unknown, etc., etc. You want to achieve something, but these fears keep you away from what you want. If only you would overcome them, life would be so much more fun.

To get rid of the fears, first we have to look at deep roots what caused them. Perhaps,

1. Something scared us in the past;

2. We are scared of consequences. (Example: afraid to look foolish)

3. What others might think. (this is huge)

We might come up with different reasons. Or, we might not even know what causes our fears.

In these situations, most of the time our mind is our enemy. We will think of different consequences and reasons not to do what we want: we might fall from the sky, the bug might bite us, we may drown, we may faint, we may die, etc., etc. If only we let our mind to come up with different conclusions, it will. We will tremble and will not achieve a thing. The key to these situations is to consciously shut out thoughts, dismiss them as ridiculous.

The only thing we should concentrate on is the end result. Instead of “I’m afraid,” tell yourself “I can do this.” Do not look at it as fear. Look at it as a challenge, a game to play. Then use your imagination how your life would be if you would conquer this challenge, if you would win at this game. You might make a difference in delivering a powerful speech, you might be able to swim with dolphins, to be able to travel on airplanes, to go on adventures, etc., etc. Imagine the whole possibilities and make yourself do it what challenges you the most. Then, repeat it again and again until your mind will register it’s OK, and conquering a challenge will become a second nature to you. Practice makes it easy. You can win at this game – you better believe it. Mind is powerful. We just need to know how to consciously use it.

For more help with public-speaking, see how-to-be-brave-in-public-speaking.

How to Overcome Shyness? or How to be Confident and Brave?

Some of us, shy people tend to hide from the world. We do not want anybody to notice us. As if, we want to hide in our shells and never come out. That’s severe form of shyness. Some of us do come out, but as soon as we start to feel uncomfortable, we hide again. Then some of us are occasional shyers. We are shy only on certain occasions, usually in unfamiliar environment. Some of us are so good that we are great examples of camouflage – nobody notices when we come in. We could turn invisible.

Why we are the way we are? How to overcome it? First, we got to go to the core of it. Why we are shy?

It is all based on fears:

1. We are not good enough;

2. Others might laugh at us, criticize us;

3. We are not worth the attention.

Why we choose to feel that way? It probably started in our childhood when somebody said to us that we can’t do something; we are not good at it; we look ugly; we are not talented enough, etc., etc. So, deep inside we believed them and it unconsciously went into adulthood. We continue carry that with us, and we might not be aware of it. We started to believe that’s who we are: incapable and not worthy. We stopped to trust ourselves, and be incapable to trust others for seeing “real” us. When we say “I am shy,” – that’s what we project and we make up excuses not to do anything that’s uncomfortable because we are shy.

So, how to overcome shyness? How to become confident and even brave?

1. Forget what somebody said in childhood. It happened in the past and the past is gone.

2. Who cares what others think. Do it anyway and keep doing it.

3. Tell your own self-critic to shut up.

If you feel uncomfortable, do it anyway and repeat it until you feel comfortable. Practice is the best medicine. Change your words and mentality. Instead of “I’m shy,” tell “I’m confident” or “I’m brave” and believe it. You’ll feel better instantly. What you feel inside, that’s what you’re projecting to the world. Think of others. If they only knew the “real” you and how much you can contribute to others and the world. Show them and don’t wait another minute. Share yourself with others. You’ll be surprised how many like-minded individuals out there who totally will understand you. Some great geniuses never were known because of their quietness and shyness. Go ahead! Show the world what you got! You were too silent too long.

There still might be people who will criticize you. Do not pay attention to them. Do it anyway. They’re dealing with their world in their own way. If people will laugh at you, laugh with them. You might totally confuse them. Do not be afraid to laugh at yourself either.

Personally, I make games of uncomfortable situations. If somebody laughs at me when I dance in the car, I think at least they’re having fun now. I dance even more. If somebody looks at me with my wind-blown hair because I drive with open windows, I smile at them. They smile, too. I felt uncomfortable to speak in public. I made myself do it until I felt comfortable. I like to catch people completely by surprise. I like to challenge myself by putting myself in uncomfortable situations. By doing that, my shyness evaporates.

What is uncomfortable to you? Go do it. Repeat it until it will become a piece of cake. Then go to the next challenge. Little by little… Learn how to laugh at yourself and have fun with it. If somebody will not going to like it, it’s their problem.

See my blog about 3 types of people here: doers-critics-and-someday-ers

Need help with public speaking? See my article here: how-to-be-brave-in-public-speaking

How to Have a Great Posture?

It is a mind and body connection. It cannot be one without other. If you try to straighten your posture (with books on your head, sleeping on the firm bed, exercise, etc.) and you feel miserable inside, nothing will help you – your body will slouch. Now if you feel good about yourself, you will naturally stand up straight.

There are three kinds of postures:

A) Hunched shoulders mean:

Hiding a growing body (for teen girls)
Feeling like the whole world is on the shoulders
Feeling protective (like hiding in a shell)

B) Standing up straight posture means:

Great self-confidence
Great attitude
Being open to the world – by giving and receiving

C) There is another extreme posture that involves the nose up in the air which means:

Feeling like the King and Queen of the world.
Treating other people like they beneath them
Basically nothing satisfies them.

Now how to go from point A to B? If you are teenage girl, do not worry about your growing body. It is normal. Be confident that you are growing up. If boys tease you at school, think of them as immature bastards who do not know how to treat a lady.

If you feel that the whole world is on your shoulders, you got to lighten the load up. You got to light up, so to speak. Allow yourself to laugh and have fun. Do not take life so seriously. Sure, it is hard enough for most of us. We all have our stories. The most importantly, it is your attitude that counts. Just think of hardships as challenges like stepping stones to stronger you. Every challenge is opportunity to learn something. You can have hardships and learn from them, or you can let hardships to control who you are. It is up to you. To me, I think life is too short to be unhappy. It is your pick. No buts about it.

If you feel the world will hurt you, your body is in protective gear automatically. Of course, things will happen – you cannot protect yourself forever. But if you open up to the world and be willing to give yourself and your talents, I’m pretty sure you’ll be surprised of a great receptivity from people. Of course, you can not satisfy everyone, but who cares. Most people will open their hearts and arms to you once you show them what you are all about. There are many good people out there. You are great at what you do, what you create, what you love and are passionate about. The world needs you and you need the world for great things to happen. You got to show who you are. Do not hide. You have way too much to contribute. So, stand up tall and show world what you’ve got. Many people will love you, and who don’t – screw them. They are not worth to get to know you anyway. Do not shut down because of them. Keep going. There are many new people who are dying to know you. Give them a chance.

Now as for case C, it is never healthy to go to extreme. These people need to land their feet on the ground, and put their nose at normal level. Even they do not show it, they have a complex about themselves. Therefore, treating others badly gives them satisfaction. The truth is that they are miserable inside and putting others down gives them a pleasure. What you hold inside, that’s what you project to the world. Can you imagine what their inside looks like? Full of anger and miserableness. Treating others badly is their protection from the world. What they think is that if they treat others like a dirt, nobody will treat them badly. Unfortunately, what comes around, goes around. Most people do not like them for their “royal ass”, and nobody wants to be nice to them. Now, if they would turn around and treat people with respect, they would be treated that way, too.

How to be Brave in Public Speaking? or How to Overcome Fear of Public Speaking?

Most of my life I was shy with little streaks of bravery. Now I find myself mostly brave with little streaks of shyness. So before, talking in public – forget about it – I was terrified. I even skipped a Speech class in college. To go in front of class was a nightmare. My voice was shaking, my knees were shaking; I felt I’m going to pass out in front of everybody. Then, I realized shyness is only state of mind based on fears:

1) fear of not being good enough,

2) fear of being misunderstood (especially when you have an accent)

3) fear of forgetting speech altogether

4) fear of making fool of myself

5) fear of (fill in the blank)

I realized that all the fears only reside in my mind. Of course, if we think we will screw it up, we will. If we think we can not make a speech or speak in public, we can’t. What we think of that will become. Just know this, all those fears are self-made and only is messing up with your mind, and it is not what you think it is. I took Landmark education courses (that I highly recommend to anyone). By the end, I was volunteering to go in front of the class. I made myself do it, no matter how uncomfortable I felt. Of course, a few times, my knees were still shaking, but I felt more confident because I thought what I want to share was of big importance to others. When you forget about yourself and you think of others, it becomes really easy. All those fears are bull crap, anyway.

1) You are good enough.

2) People will understand you (If some of them will not, they can ask questions later if they are not too shy).

3) You will involve people and perhaps will make a difference in their lives.

4) If you’ll make a fool of yourself, so what – at least you and audience will have a good laugh.

5) (Fill in the blank opposite of your fear)

When I talked, people actually listened. They laughed. And some of them told me that I’m inspiration. So, don’t listen what your fears tell you. Stand up confidently because you have something important to say.

Tips for great public-speaking, I learned:

1) Talk from the heart. Hand-written or printed speech that is read in audience does not sound as effective, as you speak it (no matter if you wrote the speech, or not).

2) If you forget what you wanted to say – make up as you go.

3) Involve audience – ask audience questions and listen for the answers.

4) Make audience laugh – don’t be so serious.

5) Leave audience with something to think about.

Most importantly, practice makes a big difference. Do it not once, but keep doing it. The fear will go away and you’ll be confident as never before. You are too important to be silent.